BCS Declares Germany the Winner of World War II US Ranked 4th

A little humor before the BCS Championship (from a forwarded email):

After determining the Big-12 championship game participants the BCS computers were put to work on other major contests and today the BCS declared Germany to be the winner of World War II.

"Germany put together an incredible number of victories beginning with the annexation of Austria and the Sudetenland and continuing on into conference play with defeats of Poland, France, Norway, Sweden, Denmark, Belgium and the Netherlands. Their only losses came against the US and Russia; however considering their entire body of work--including an incredibly tough Strength of Schedule--our computers deemed them worthy of the #1 ranking."

Questioned about the #4 ranking of the United States the BCS commissioner stated "The US only had two major victories--Japan and Germany. The computer models, unlike humans, aren't influenced by head-to-head contests--they consider each contest to be only a single, equally-weighted event."

German Chancellor Adolph Hitler said "Yes, we lost to the US; but we defeated #2 ranked France in only 6 weeks." Herr #### has been criticized for seeking dramatic victories to earn 'style points' to enhance Germany's rankings. #### protested "Our contest with Poland was in doubt until the final day and the conditions in Norway were incredibly challenging and demanded the application of additional forces."

The French ranking has also come under scrutiny. The BCS commented "France had a single loss against Germany and following a preseason #1 ranking they only fell to #2."

Japan was ranked #3 with victories including Manchuria, Borneo and the Philippines.

Does This Count?

Matthew 18:20 

For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.

(h/t to an email from Dad)

Final Thoughts Before Election Day

From the email transom.

Disclaimer: This should not be interpreted as an indictment of either candidate. 

Breaking News

In response to the recent financial crisis, the U.S. Mint has created a new dollar bill.

In other news, the Air Force has announced that it will start an experimental program to have non-rated* officers fly Unmanned Aircraft Systems (UAS), like the MQ-1 Predator and the MQ-9 Reaper. Shortly thereafter, the Air Force released a new recruiting video (2mb wmv).

* non-rated: Air Force speak for someone who has not graduated from flight school.

A Dad's Worst Nightmare

From a forwarded email:

A father passing by his daughter's bedroom was astonished to see that her bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Ralph and he is so nice. However, I knew you would not approve of him because of all his piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that he is older than I am. But, it's not only the passion...

Dad I'm pregnant. Ralph said that we would be very happy. He owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. He has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime, we will pray that the government will continue to pay for Ralph's AIDS medication. He deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Daughter Beth

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jenny's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

I'll post something more serious soon...

But for now, this comes to us from Father Chad:

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning Pastor Dave, what is this?" he asked the pastor.

The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial plaque to all the young men and women who died in the Service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?"

Drive Safely

It is all over the Internet. The Vatican has released the Ten Commandments of Driving. You can read all about it here, here and here with a very thoughtful reflection here. It seems appropriate to share an amusing anecdote sent to me by Kristen:

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper Sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car."

We've Been Banned

By the Spirit of Vatican II "Catholic" Faith Community. Yeah!

Funnies for the day: Doctors and Kids

Which are funnier?

From Knutty Knights:

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive.
"Dead." she was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move" answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know", explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

This embarassing medical moment is from the email transom (thanks UR):

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs--and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

Paradise

Politically incorrect...I know: