Noted Musician/Theologian Elton John: "Jesus Was Gay"

Elton John has never been a big fan of religion.  It's so...intolerant.

"Religion promotes hatred and spite against gays," the openly gay performer told the Observer's Music Monthly magazine in 2006.  "From my point of view, I would ban religion completely."

Right, Sir Elton.  Good thing we have such tolerant people like you to point out how intolerant religion is.

However, the noted musician/theologian is willing to "tolerate" one religious figure – Jesus.  Provided that he's gay, of course.  In a new interview with Parade magazine, Sir Elton John has said that Jesus "was gay" and that he was a "super-intelligent gay man."

I think Jesus was a compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems.  On the cross, he forgave the people who crucified him.

Now, it could be pointed out that gays have neither a monopoly on compassion and forgiveness, nor do they demonstrate it to any greater degree than heterosexuals.  But before you get upset with Sir Elton, you must admit that his penetrating insight into the sexuality of the Son of God does offer tremendous help in understanding certain Biblical passages:

Genesis 1:3-4

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.  God saw that the light was fabulous!

Genesis 13:13

Now the men of Sodom were wicked and were sinning greatly against the LORD; they would sodomize a man and not even give him the courtesy of a reach-around.

Mark 3:17

...James son of Zebedee and his brother John (to them he gave the name Boanerges, which means Loins of Thunder)...

Mark 4:39

...He [Jesus] got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet!  Stop it!  You're being homophobic!"  Then the wind died down and it was completely calm, and it began to attend mandatory sensitivity training.

John 2:1-4

On the third day a wedding took place at Cana in Galilee.  Jesus' mother was there, and Jesus and his disciples had also been invited to the wedding.  When the wine was gone, Jesus' mother looked for Him to tell Him, "They have no more wine."  However, Jesus was not there, as He had marched out in protest because gays can't get married.

John 3:17

For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to give it better fashion sense.

It all makes sense now.  Whatever would we do without the theological insights of pop stars?

I eagerly await Sir Elton's thoughts on Mohammed....