Tom and Jerry: Defenders of All Things Right and Good

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Infallible Predictions for 2010

General

1.  The media tongue bath of Obama will continue.  Pieces that criticize Obama will be comprised of 1/6th of Obama's failure du jour and 5/6th of recounting how Bush was much worse.

2.  Pope Benedict will author another encyclical; both the politically conservative and politically liberal will seize on the passages they already agree with and ignore the rest.

3.  As Obama dithers in Afghanistan, General David Patraeus' name will start to circulate as a potential player in the 2012 elections.  You heard it here first.

4.  Rachel Maddow of MSNBC will continue to be the first 13 year-old boy to have his own prime-time TV news commentary show.

5.  Dissident Iranians, caught between hating their own government and hating the US, will turn their affections to logical alternative: France.  Embracing the biggest bunch of sissies on earth will result in the dissidents immediately surrendering.  Obama will hail this as a victory of his diplomacy.

Sports

6.  The Big Ten conference will announce the eminent addition of a 12th member.  They will pursue Notre Dame like my dog pursues me when I have food. Notre Dame will undergo much internal debate over the issue, but in the end will say "no", as to not royally piss off 99% of their alumni.  The Big Ten will then go after either U. of Missouri or U. of Pittsburgh, with Pittsburgh being chosen as the new member.  Penn State coach Joe Paterno, who bitterly opposed having Pittsburgh join the conference, goes into a fit of rage that would threaten to cause him a heart attack were he not already dead.

7.  Tiger Woods' wife will divorce him and get half of his estate, leaving him with only a measly half billion dollars to spend on mistresses and prostitutes.

Entertainment

8.  Two of the best movies of 2009, (500) Days of Summer and Up, will not even be nominated for the Oscar for Best Picture, which will be won by Up In The Air.

9.  Taylor Swift encounters the first setback of her career when she actually finds a boyfriend whom she really likes and who treats her well, leaving her with nothing to write any more songs about.

Honors

10.  As a companion to the Templeton Prize – which acknowledges achievements in furthering the public's understanding of science, reason, and spirituality – an international panel of scientists, philosophers, logicians, theologians, and cosmologists is formed in summer of 2010 for the purpose of naming the first winner of the Dawkins Prize, to acknowledge achievements in making arguments so bereft of knowledge and logical structure that only the most willfully ignorant could accept them. The inaugural "winner" of the Dawkins Prize goes to, naturally, Richard Dawkins himself for his proof of "why there almost certainly is no God" (a proof in which he takes much evident pride), which the committee cited as "possibly the single most incompetent logical argument ever made for or against any proposition in the entire history of the human race."


Bank on it.

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