Not coming to Lifetime Network For Women anytime soon...

While dog-sitting for Lynda (who remained in El Paso a few extra days for wedding stuff), I was forced to accommodate her rather meager cable channel selection. Whereas I have a bunch of movie channels, 3 ESPN channels, and a host of others, Lynda has only a handful of basic cable stations. The Horror!!!

For a few hours each night, I pretty much only had two choices: reruns of the fourth or fifth spin-off of Law and Order ("Law and Order: Parking Violations Division", I believe) or the Lifetime Network for women, where women are always in dire straits (and often victims), all the time. After enduring the third or so "The Woman Who Killed Her Husband In Cold Blood But He Really, Really, Really Deserved It"-style movie, I began to think of some movies I could pitch to the network, although judging from their current lineup's content, they would be the exact opposite of what's on now. Here are some of my movie titles I plan to pitch, to offer Lifetime a little variety:

"The Divorced Mom Who's New Husband Loved Her Teenage Daughter, But In A Completely Appropriate Way"

"My Daughter Has A Healthy Appetite And Body Image!!!"

"The Husband And Wife Who Divorced Amicably"

"The Man Who Was as Nice as He Initially Appeared to Be"

"The Successful Surgery That Really Improved A Woman's Quality Of Life"

"The Man Who Exhibited Traditional Masculine Traits But Was Neither A Lout Nor A Sociopath"

"The Woman Who Cheated On Her Husband, But This Is Not A 'Great Romantic Story', She's Just A Sleazebag"

"The Woman Who Was Completely Responsible For Whatever Felony She Committed"

"The Great Guy Who I Was Rude To, Condescended To, And Talked About Other Men To Finally Gave Up On Me And Married A Beautiful, Successful Woman"

"The Frat Guys Who Acted Like Complete Gentlemen To The Naive College Freshman Girl "


A little variety is good for a network, right?