Tom and Jerry: Defenders of All Things Right and Good

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Not coming to Lifetime Network For Women anytime soon...

While dog-sitting for Lynda (who remained in El Paso a few extra days for wedding stuff), I was forced to accommodate her rather meager cable channel selection. Whereas I have a bunch of movie channels, 3 ESPN channels, and a host of others, Lynda has only a handful of basic cable stations. The Horror!!!

For a few hours each night, I pretty much only had two choices: reruns of the fourth or fifth spin-off of Law and Order ("Law and Order: Parking Violations Division", I believe) or the Lifetime Network for women, where women are always in dire straits (and often victims), all the time. After enduring the third or so "The Woman Who Killed Her Husband In Cold Blood But He Really, Really, Really Deserved It"-style movie, I began to think of some movies I could pitch to the network, although judging from their current lineup's content, they would be the exact opposite of what's on now. Here are some of my movie titles I plan to pitch, to offer Lifetime a little variety:

"The Divorced Mom Who's New Husband Loved Her Teenage Daughter, But In A Completely Appropriate Way"

"My Daughter Has A Healthy Appetite And Body Image!!!"

"The Husband And Wife Who Divorced Amicably"

"The Man Who Was as Nice as He Initially Appeared to Be"

"The Successful Surgery That Really Improved A Woman's Quality Of Life"

"The Man Who Exhibited Traditional Masculine Traits But Was Neither A Lout Nor A Sociopath"

"The Woman Who Cheated On Her Husband, But This Is Not A 'Great Romantic Story', She's Just A Sleazebag"

"The Woman Who Was Completely Responsible For Whatever Felony She Committed"

"The Great Guy Who I Was Rude To, Condescended To, And Talked About Other Men To Finally Gave Up On Me And Married A Beautiful, Successful Woman"

"The Frat Guys Who Acted Like Complete Gentlemen To The Naive College Freshman Girl "

A little variety is good for a network, right?


  • Jerry,
    Very funny post. I laughed out loud.

    By Anonymous Christina, at Friday, January 05, 2007 9:53:00 PM  

  • Christina -

    Thank you for the compliment. After the wedding, Lynda and I have agreed that in return for me defending the household from all six- and eight-legged intruders with lethal force, we get (at least) the standard digital cable package. The prospect of entering into married life with Lifetime being the best movie-provider available is enough to make me contemplate the advantages of lifelong bachelorhood.....

    Glad you enjoyed the post.

    Take care,


    By Blogger Jerry, at Saturday, January 06, 2007 4:11:00 AM  

  • "The Frat Guys Who Acted Like Complete Gentlemen To The Naive College Freshman Girl "

    Hey, were those the guys who pushed my roommate's car out of the snow my freshman year of college? They really do exist.

    By Blogger Teresa H.T., at Saturday, January 06, 2007 10:55:00 AM  

  • Teresa h.t. -

    First, as I believe this is your first post on "Tom and Jerry", let me wish you a "Welcome!"....

    Yes, they probably were the same frat guys, and I agree that they really do exist; however, fraternities as routinely portrayed in the majority of movies (especially TV movies, and especially those on Lifetime) are little more than havens for sexual predators and their enablers, a persistent stereotype that I find to be as pernicious as other routine entertainment stereotypes: evangelicals as sour nutjobs, Catholic clergy as sinister and/or psychologically unbalanced, and Southerners as both dim-witted and a mere heartbeat away from exploding into a frothing lynch mob.

    Being the pie-in-the-sky optimist that I am, however, I remain hopeful Lifetime will take me up on my offer to develop at least one of my proposed titles. After those projects, I will begin another project intended to challenge another movie staple that, while not pernicious, is certainly irritating to a sports enthusiast like me: I will attempt to produce a football movie in which the technique most frequently employed by a defensive player attempting to make a tackle is something other than to launch himself airborne in the direction of the ball carrier from at least 15 feet away.....

    Thanks for your post, and take care....


    By Blogger Jerry, at Sunday, January 07, 2007 4:20:00 AM  

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