Tom and Jerry: Defenders of All Things Right and Good

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Jerry's Wedding Preview: Part IV

The Wedding

At 1:30 pm Mountain Time in St. Luke’s Catholic Church in El Paso, I will get married. It will be a traditional Catholic wedding, with a couple of Mexican traditions added:

The 13 Gold Coins (Trece Monedas De Oro)

Traditional Meaning: The groom gives the bride 13 gold coins as a symbol of his unquestionable trust and confidence. He pledges that he places all of his goods into her care and safekeeping. Acceptance by the bride means taking that trust and confidence unconditionally with total dedication and prudence. The number 13 represents Christ and His 12 apostles.

Real Meaning: This will be the last time I get to put my two cents in.

The Lasso (El Lazo)

Traditional Meaning: As part of the ceremony to symbolize unity, a large loop of rosary beads is placed in a figure-eight shape around the necks of the couple after they have exchanged their vows. The loop is symbolic of their love which should bind the couple together every day as they equally share the responsibility of marriage for the rest of their lives.

Real Meaning: I’m being lassoed? Will I be hog-tied and branded, too?


The Reception

Provided that the Apocalypse did not occur during or immediately after the wedding mass, we will now begin the reception part of the day. First, we will take some pictures at both the church and the El Paso Country Club (about 1.5 miles from the church), where the reception dinner and dance will take place. Then:

4pm – 6pm: Reception Dinner at El Paso Country Club

Buffet-style Duck L’Orange, Sirloin Tips, and Halibut. There will be a mariachi band playing during the dinner. All the songs will be in Spanish, but just do what I do - provide your own words:

Look at the tomato
The tomato is so sad
The tomato wishes he could sing and dance
Like the cucumber
But he cannot


6pm – 10pm: Reception Dance at El Paso Country Club

We’ll cut the cake, toss the bouquet and garter belt, etc. An individual from Lynda’s endless supply of cousins, Ryan, will be the DJ. The tunes will be rock/pop/country stuff; however, under no circumstances will the following occur:

--Overly loud/intrusive introduction of the bride and groom, groomsmen, bridesmaids, etc. I’ve been at some weddings where they introduced the wedding party like they were introducing the starting line-ups at the NBA finals:

(spotlights frantically roaming the room)

“AND NOW…..

(stadium anthem playing at 5000 decibels)

…AT GROOMSMAN, FROM BALTIMORE, MARYLAND….”

No thanks.

--The Macarena – No freakin’ way. The first time I heard/saw this in late 1995, I actually kinda liked it. The next 856,497 times? Not so much.

--The Chicken Dance – Over my dead body.

We will, however, have the traditional Mexican ‘Dollar Dance’. For those of you not familiar with this, it’s exactly what it sounds like: You pin a dollar to bride’s dress to dance with the bride or pin a dollar to the groom’s tux to dance with the groom. Yup, only a dollar….we’re easy. I would like to pull in more cash than Lynda, so I will have a credit card swipe machine on my belt.


The Aftermath

You guys go back to hotel, and fly out next day.

Lynda and I embark on married bliss.


The Honeymoon

Lynda and I board a plane on Sunday afternoon for Rome, Italy. On Wednesday, Pope Benedict has an audience with all new married couples that a) are dressed in their wedding clothes and b) have the necessary paperwork from their bishop (which we do). If we are in the first row of seated couples (and we plan on getting up extremely early to ensure that we are), we may get a personal greeting and picture with His Holiness. I’m not sure what I’ll say or do, but here are a few possibilities:

  • Get a picture taken with the Pope, raising up my index and middle finger of one hand behind his head, giving him ‘rabbit ears’.
  • Ask him if I could try on his hat.
  • Ask him if I could borrow the Pope-mobile to go thru the McDonald’s drive-thru.
  • Ask him if he’ll let me make an infallible statement. Something along the lines of “All cats go to Hell.”
  • Request that he excommunicate any Catholic that roots against Notre Dame.
  • Ask him if he’ll let me canonize a saint. Saint Knute Rockne has a nice ring to it.
  • Ask him if he would consider, instead of using unleavened bread and wine for Eucharist during masses, the Church could switch to using Cheetos and Diet Coke. Jesus may be the King of Kings, but His Body and Blood could use a little flavor....

In addition to the Papal visit, we also plan on seeing a lot of old Roman stuff.

We return on Saturday, April 21. At that point, I will discover if any of my 200+ books are have survived a week and a half alone with Lynda’s pooch. Since I moved my stuff to Lynda’s house last weekend, Lynda’s dog, Tipper, has been gnawing on the books of mine we have stored in her room. I always knew Tipper had an appetite for knowledge…..

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