Tom and Jerry: Defenders of All Things Right and Good

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Things They Don't Cover In Marriage Prep Class, Installment #3

Since the number three is associated with various sacred entities – the Trinity, my birthday, Joe Montana’s jersey number – I have decided to dedicate this third installment of “Things They Don’t Cover…” to the most profound revelation NOT shared with you by the good folks who run marriage prep: the root cause, the very essence, of every instance of your wife being upset with you:

You were insensitive to her feelings.

That’s it. Every frown, every complaint, every pout, every “uh-oh, what did I do now?”-inducing look your wife sends your way, at its essence derives from something you did that she interpreted as being insensitive to her feelings. Didn't notice her new hairstyle? Insensitive to her feelings. Unaware that she made spaghetti for dinner, you grabbed a sandwich on the way home? Insensitive to her feelings. Salma Hayek and Jessica Alba walk by you on a beach wearing bikinis, and you sneak a peek? Insensitive to her feelings. Using logic to win an argument? Insensitive to her feelings. (And also impossible, because a) being a female, she does not understand logic and b) you can never win an argument with a woman - even if you win, you lose.)

Being insensitive to her feelings cannot be avoided, and you will be insensitive to her feelings an average of 3.4 times per minute. Of course, as a man, you can not help but be insensitive to a female’s feelings. This is because, as men, we don’t have feelings. Can you imagine John Wayne “getting his feelings hurt”? Hell no; that’s because he, like all real men, doesn’t have any. Sure, during the dating process, we men may have had moments where we talked about “feelings” or may have acted in a manner that led women to believe that we have “feelings”; this is time-honored and highly successful male strategy to get women to have sex with us. However, Katie was, as was my Lynda, too smart for this – that’s why Tom and I decided to marry them.

Of course, not all moments of being insensitive to her feelings are of equal consequence. Here is a simple guide to the level of angry response you can expect from being insensitive to her feelings:

Your only hope is to do what I do: every morning as I wake up, I apologize - For being a man, for not having periods/pregnancy/menopause, for not having to eat less food than a gerbil to maintain my unbelievably high state of attractiveness, for failing to fully appreciate the entertainment value of Yes To The Dress…..whatever. Another apology right before you go to sleep isn’t a bad idea, either.

Weekly flowers help, too.



Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home