Tom and Jerry: Defenders of All Things Right and Good

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Things I've Learned From The Movies....

I’ve seen a few of these lists on the web....do a search on “Things I’ve learned from the movies” and you’ll get quite a few hits. My favorites:

· Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are easily available and well within the price range of most people - - whether they are employed or not.

· Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one. You will know how much time you have to diffuse it, because all bombs have a large LED readout letting you know how much time there is until detonation. For best results, wait until there are less than 5 seconds left.

· The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

· If you are female, attractive, and have a nice figure, it is possible to become a world-renown expert in any hard science – nuclear fission, genetics, archaeology, biology, etc. – at the age of 24.

· You have a good chance of surviving the upcoming battle, unless you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

· Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

· It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.

· All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

· The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

· Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

· During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

· In the future, everyone will wear more leather.


My additions:


· Any chase through city streets will eventually come upon a parade. In San Francisco, it will be a Chinese parade, complete with large dragon; in New Orleans, it will be a funeral procession.

· If you are a single woman in your late 20’s/early 30’s who has been unlucky in love, your building handyman/gardener/plumber will be a well-built (though he never goes to the gym) Renaissance man. He will play classical piano, cook gourmet meals, practice some form of non-dogmatic, non-threatening, one-with-the-cosmos spirituality, never raise his voice, and continue to make himself available to you despite your constant condescension and interest in other men.

· The star quarterback or running back on a football team will soon be the recipient of a catastrophic knee injury. His replacement, a heretofore unnoticed, rarely-used reserve, will prove to be better than the star was. Also, the star defensive player on the team will be certifiably insane.

· The best way to make a tackle in football is to launch yourself airborne at the ball carrier from approximately 15 feet away.

· Though medieval peasants all had perfect teeth (mentioned in a couple of online lists), and there was at least one gorgeous knockout of a female in every village, monks of the Middle Ages were so monstrously hideous looking as to be borderline deformed.

· There are no differences in belief between the various Christian denominations; therefore, it is customary for Evangelical Christians to have statues of the Virgin Mary in their homes.

· Americans, in all parts of the US, when eating Chinese food prefer, and are proficient in, using chopsticks.

· No matter the extent to which you have neglected your spouse and/or children, you can make things right and all is forgiven if you defend them from a space alien or giant lizard.

· When your clock-radio alarm goes off in the morning, the DJ on the radio will be just beginning a sentence.

· Every person of Asian descent, regardless of age, is proficient in marital arts; every black person in New Orleans secretly practices voodoo.

4 Comments:

  • Here are some of my favorites:
    1. The Candles at Wholesale Theorem from Roger Ebert: No matter how poor you are, your celebrations will involve hundreds of candles which you will be able to light all at once even if you are alone.

    2. The Dark Ages were called Dark because the sun never shone.

    3. One I made up: No matter what disaster befalls you or your community either in the present or future, cigarettes WILL be available!

    By Anonymous Jerry's Bratty Sister, at Monday, March 13, 2006 3:52:00 PM  

  • Thank you to Betty, my favorite sister....

    A couple more I thought up:

    * Even mediocre high school football teams routinely have 4 or 5 players offered scholarships to Div. I programs.

    * Every army platoon in WWII included a guy from New York City, a Jewish guy, an Italian guy, a guy from the Deep South, and a guy would become a writer. (Occasionally the first three were all the same person)

    * If you're from India, the person your partents want you to marry and the person you want to marry are NEVER the same person.

    * Not only will a nuclear war or global flood decimate most of humanity and civilization, it will also destroy every bar of soap.

    By Blogger Jerry, at Monday, March 13, 2006 4:53:00 PM  

  • Hey dont' forget:

    Whenever fighter planes deploy into battle they always fly in very tight, closely spaced formations of 4 or more aircraft....and if someone shoots at you, just roll around in circles, bullets can't handle that.

    By Blogger Joe C, at Monday, March 13, 2006 7:28:00 PM  

  • 1. Despite needing them to communicate and breath, fighter pilots never wear their oxygen masks in flight.

    2. Corollary to Joe C's comment: a tight barrel roll will defeat any threat

    By Blogger Tom, at Tuesday, March 14, 2006 12:22:00 AM  

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